Dreams and Daily Life:
Everything you could ever want, all of your dreams, your greatest life, lie just on the other side of the decision you don’t want to have to make”.In September, I heard this statement in a private clinical conference call and it shifted my mentality. But first, this…
On October 13, I woke up fresh, focused, and certain. Sure of the future, my decisions and expiration date I had indefinitely placed on a relationship that had slowly withered me away to absolutely nothing.
The 8 months leading up to this date, left me gasping for oxygen, everyday. Each day, I came home to a person I no longer recognized (me……).
If you’ve ever followed the notion of the ‘Five Love Languages’ (a book and theory that suggests everyone operates and receives love best in 1 or 2 types of ways), you’d realize the significance that words, acts, touch, gestures, and time can have on an individual. My love language (and by a significant long-shot), is ‘words of affirmation’.
Words resonate to me, on every level. I value them. They cut me, heal me and define me…..which is likely why writing comes so naturally I guess. It’s my chosen form of expression and acceptance.
The dangerous part of this love language? When words are consistently, persistently, and unrelentingly negative, critical, demeaning, degrading, deflating, harsh, and hurtful, day in and out, I am demolished. Obliterated. My inner being is damaged to such an extent, that I feel worthless. You see, I can get by without words. I can survive without daily deposits. But, daily emotional withdrawals in large quantities? I can’t handle. The negative balance was real.
My primary means for survival in 2016? My career. The relationships I have with both my patients and my fitness family, saved my life. If it were not for those entities, I would have been left very unsure of myself. They kept my ‘negative balance’ to a relative minimum. They were my deposits. And yes. I have an absolutely breathtaking family and friend circle that would have been there to make daily deposits.
BUT, if you know anything about abuse, you know that isolation is top priority. I isolated hard. I couldn’t stomach the thought of those who loved me most, know the situation I had not only subjected myself to, but had justified, chewed, swallowed, and digested. Daily. Little did I know, they knew. They saw it in me. They sensed the turmoil, the degradation. It was written all over my spirit. You can’t hide from those who know your soul.
Which brings me to a situation I feel compelled to share somewhat shallowly (for now). Like I said, on Oct 13, I had felt so healed. A peace washed over me. I had cried and mourned and grieved it out. All year. I was ready to be myself and go hard at life.
I woke up. Got dressed. Packed for a weekend trip to Florida to meet with an amazing physical therapist and entrepreneur, Greg Todd, who had been graciously mentoring me in my vision. The choice to invest in him, and me, is so vivid to me. It came just a few weeks after I had experienced a heart-breaking realization (seen in the photo). I knew. I knew that the hurt was too great and it was over.
My heart was compelled to grow. And it did. Within a few days of working with him and a special group of clinicians, I was awoke to the reality that had become my life. I had shrunk myself down to nothing and quit my aspirations and settled. I also had become so small, all at the expense of avoiding egg shells and demeaning words. This experience saved me. It gave me courage. It reminded me that it was time to save myself, and no amount of avoided humiliation, embarrassment, or perceived failure, was worth the price of my soul.
Inspiration and Directions:
So, I flew to Clearwater, Florida with the very settled and accepted mindset of my ended marriage, a strong sense of direction and aspirations, and hope. I was ready to shift focus into my future business, my career, my education, because why not? I do not need another human being to define me. It need not be a priority. I’ve learned that much. Not on the radar.
I checked into my hotel. Realized I needed to eat (something I hadn’t done a lot of most recently), before my call that evening. Searched “grilled grouper” in my google maps. Found a tiny little beach restaurant, drove the few miles down the road, abruptly stopped and turned around to see a gorgeous ocean sunset in a nearby inlet, then proceeded onwards, seating myself outside at a very slow establishment.
What happened next deserves its own epic volume, and will be shared in due time. What I want you to know at this moment?
The universe is so intentional. God rewarded me big on this day. My courage to walk away from a situation not designed for my plan…a situation that threatened my gifts, talents, heart, ambition, vision, generosity, and spirit, and thus the lives of many others, was acknowledged in a blatant, beautiful way. Admittedly, I haven’t used my gut as I know I should have in the past. I lived off of eternal optimism and the hope that with enough effort, I could always be enough for anyone. Regardless of how wrong it was.
And let’s be clear: I don’t owe this share to anyone. I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. This is my life. I share because I think it’s important that those who are invested in my story, simply know it. There’s plenty to learn from it, because I assure you, as appropriate as it was to walk-away, it still feelings hurt. It was still a knife to the gut.
Well friends, I’ve worked hard to calibrate my gut, and damn, do I trust it more than ever. I know who I am more than ever….if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have had the strength to walk away. Public fails sting. Suffocation stings worse.
That’s the thing about choosing yourself, trusting yourself, and loving yourself enough to leap off a giant cliff of uncertainty, humiliation, and devastation.
The second you leap, with absolutely zero expectations, doors open. Stay tuned. Or don’t. Either way, newly scheduled programming is well underway.